today has been pretty chills. went to st john and got some deliciously mouthwatering grade F beef (aka taco bell). i love that place, although i did hear rumours that the low quality of meat they use is why we don't have a taco bell in fredericton... apparently it's illegal in our fair city. who knows if that's true or not though. after that i went and checked out my friend's new apartment briefly, went to a doctors appointment and spent my shoppers optimum points! that is always the best of times; who doesn't love free stuff? then it was straight to dinner with my little sister rachel and her friend courtney. courtney-boo was hilarious as always, and the meal was delicious.

now i'm just lounging around at my mom's place waiting for the night to start. my plans so far include going to brody's new place for some drinks with some friends (this is also the home of my new crush, mike smissaert... so that should be a good time for sure!). then i'm hanging out with my other crush (max :P can i call him my other crush? does that seem strange?) until the wee hours of the morning. and then it's "get-ready-to-party" time!! whew!

to do before i party tonight:
-go to the liquor store for some rum and tequila
-go to sobeys for some tropical jello, and lemonade
-go to the dollar store for some plastic shooters

 yay! got ahold of my probation dude (finally). they always sound so scary when they first start talking, but their voices always soften when they realize that i'm a well spoken and extremely polite young lady. i think he probably detected the gratitude in my voice as well. i'm going to be meeting with him next week to answer some questions and set up a contract so that i can avoid having a criminal record. this means i won't have to go to court! thank god, i wasn't looking forward to that in the least. the next two weeks are shaping up to be pretty hectic and stressful, but i just need to put my head down and power through because after everything gets sorted out my life can fall back into a nice and happy routine. whew!

 alright, so i feel like i haven't blogged in forever! i've been so busy finishing up school and partying and getting my life all worked out, i haven't really had time to write anything about it. i'd been kind of traveling all over the internet finding other blogging sites that i thought might suit my life and style better, but i find that whenever i do that i tend to eventually return here. so maybe this is where i should stay for a bit.

kind of an introduction for my new friends:
i am from fredericton, new brunswick canada (a beautiful, green riverside city... and a place that could bore you to tears). i recently completed my first year in university, and possibly my last. i was studying to get my bachelor of arts with a major in psychology but i think i've changed my mind to massage therapy. this is kind of a big life decision for me, so be prepared to hear tons more about it! 
i also recently broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years, max. he and i moved in together straight out of high school, which was probably a terrible idea. now that we're broken up and living in different apartments we actually see each other more and get along better too. i suppose you could classify our relationship status as "it's complicated". we are still seeing each other, just without the girlfriend/boyfriend title. so far it is going amazingly.
another recent event was my 19th birthday! i drank like a fish before i was legal, but being 19 has really opened up a number of doors for me. basically it just means that i now have more options for things to do on the weekends, which is nice. 

i feel like i've really grown up a lot in my first year living on my own. a lot has happened that i never imagined would, but i think that surviving those tough times has made me a stronger person. now that i'm another year older i am excited to make my life what i want and have a wicked fun time doing it! i look forward to sharing it all here.

old people really depress me. mostly old men.. every old man i see reminds me of my father, and it makes me really sad. because they all look so lonely and tired, and thats how my dad looks when no one is looking. and i feel really guilty because im too lazy to try to fix that for him. i hope he doesn't feel abandoned... god, how sad. he had this whole full life with us before the divorce, and now he has no one but his mom. guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt.

so i got home from work tonight and attempted the sleep thing... and it just isn't happening. i found myself lying in bed thinking up new years resolutions. and i came up with quite a hefty list of things i want to get into the habit of doing:


HEALTH:
my mom has a super duper nice treadmill,  with built in TV and the whole deal, and i feel like i dont take advantage of it enough. probably because i've only used it like 3 times. so im thinking that monday and thursday afternoons will be my work out days. everyone is either at work or school at my mom's during the day, so i'd have the whole house to myself. i wanna get into running, and maybe some other exercises. i'll start small though, because i dont want to get overwhelmed and then give up.

i also want to start having a regular time to get up. last term, because my school schedule was so varied, i found myself getting up super early one day and sleeping in late the next. so my sleep schedule never really got into any kind of routine, and i think it poorly effected my health. this term i'd like to be up by 9 every day, except wednesday and friday when i'll need to be up by 8. hopefully that will help even me out. i'd like for this term to follow more of a routine.

RELATIONSHIP:
my goals in my relationship with max are as follows:
1) i would like to be less confusing to him. i find that i often tell him things are fine, only to text him half an hour later when he's gone to tell him that things aren't fine. thats just not fair to him. so i'd like to be able to tell him right away when things aren't alright. i think things will run a lot smoother that way.
2) i want to set up a weekly date night. it doesnt have to be anything exciting, we dont even have to go out. something as simple as staying home together and making supper and watching a movie would be nice. that way there will be no confusion about me not getting to see him, and he'll eventually get used to us having a set night that we hang out.


i could go ahead and make goals about keeping the house cleaner, but i know i wont follow through. and to be honest, the dirty state of my apartment doesn't really bother me all that much. all my friends are used to it to, so i dont really care if its spotless or not. i'll just keep up with my current method: when i get the urge to clean, i will. same goes for my spending habits: they probably could be better, but they arent that bad right now. and anything i say i'll do to fix it, i wont go through with. i know i probably wont start eating healthier, although i do want to start cooking more. leftovers are always nice. i know that i probably wont start flossing, although i know i should. im probably going to keep procrastinating with my schoolwork, im most likely not going to start reading more, and im certainly not going to start volunteering.
i'll probably have a hard enough time keeping up with my resolutions as it is.

blah.. everyones out in the living room getting drunk and having good times. (adri, max, ali, jorge) but im just not feeling it. i have to get up at 730 tomorrow for school, so i can't really stay up all that late. although i did it when steph was here the other night.... i was exhausted the next day and i had to work. i could always nap tomorrow and feel better (because i dont work until sunday). but im not really feeling the social interaction.
mostly i just got really hurt by things people were saying. steves new fuck buddy is coming to visit fredericton this weekend. and i said i would have to be drunk to meet her so i wouldnt say anything mean. i was totally kidding! even though steve and jazmin just broke up (tonight) after dating for over a year... i wouldnt say anything mean to her. but everyone just agreed that im a huge bitch. max got pissy at me saying that i just should keep my mouth shut because i would make steve feel bad. ali said i would get drunk and my true colors would come out, and id be a huge bitch. i know they didnt mean to hurt my feelings... i just didnt know that i was that big of a bitch. ouch.
so now im being all touchy and sitting in bed. i need to get more sleep, lack of it is making me so fucking cranky.

so i need to go to all my classes for the rest of the week. i didnt go on monday, but i only had one class and i guess it was cancelled anyways. and i didnt go yesterday because there was no school. so 3 days shouldnt be that hard to pull off (except im a fiend for missing class; especially since i started the whole "not sleeping" thing). but i really do need to go tomorrow and friday. i have a psych midterm tomorrow that i need to ace, and an assignment to hand in on friday. hopefully that will be enough motivation to get my ass into gear.
this week certainly hasnt been as bad as last week. i think im getting used to not sleeping. except im exhausted today! i didnt go to bed until early this morning and i had to get up at 730. of course i also work until 12 tonight. joy.
speaking of work, i should probably go catch my bus

what an off week.
i started having nightmares and losing sleep. this if course got in the way of my daily life. i've been a total zombie. i only slept when i was cuddled up to max, or with the aid of sleep meds. its been a good time.
what was truly upsetting was the cause of the nightmares. basically they were stemming from something that happened when i was a kid. i had never told anyone about it. however, i decided i needed to tell max what was going on so that he wouldn't be so freaked out. 
so i've decided to start being busy and productive. that should help take my mind off of it. being organized and on top of things always makes me feel better. but i cant function without sleep, so think im gonna continue taking sleep aids for a little while longer.
hopefully everything goes back to normal soon!

blarg, pms and cold weather and work tonight. blarg

halloween was slutty and crazy and way too drunk. good times.
nywani is coming over tonight :) we were going to have some drinks but im still too hungover to even think about alcohol :P i think we're just going to be lazy and watch dexter and nip/tuck and maybe some sex and the city. that plus garlic fingers seems needed. im very excited for some girly time with her.
jake is coming over too i think, for a little bit this evening. again, we were going to drink together but i dont think thats going to happen now

why in the hell am i up so early? jesus.... sad part is im sitting here in bed with a cup o' coffee from tim's. meaning i have already left my apartment today. SICK!
but todays gonna be awesome so it's all good :P

so things have really turned around for me and max, and im not really sure how... it doesn't seem like we're trying any harder to make things work.... they just are. ever since our date the other night (we went to see nick and norah's infinite playlist and then went to montanas for munch) i've felt like we're way more connected. i think we really needed that to remind us of what we're like when we're working. and i must say it's like falling in love all over again. stay posted though: i have a way of being really bipolar when it comes to this stuff. one day i'll think its going really well and the next im convinced we should break up.
tomorrow is halloween!! yay :) im decorating my friend steves place for this party he's having (actually, me and the other band girls are doing it - jazmin and lindsay and i are all dating members of celeta). and then us girls are going back to my place for drinks and getting ready. and then we're going to a metal show at mei's chinese restaurant... theres gonna be a buffet! this is followed by steves party. im soo soo excited :)

so i havent posted in a while. and im not really even sure that im going to do it regularly again after this post :P im pretty bad at being consistent with this shit...
im just going through a bit of a rough time, and theres nothing like a little livejournal post to make me feel better :P the rough time im talking about isnt to do with school; i feel like im really owning my courses, im doing super well. im really enjoying university, and its one thing that makes me feel really good. work isn't the problem either. im getting enough shifts, i really love the people i work with (even though most of my favorites are gone now), and it's not too stressful.
the rough time i'm having is with my boyfriend. i feel like we're really at the end of things. and there really isn't anything that makes me sadder. i love him more than anyone else, and i really love what we used to have. i have tried more than any person should have to in order to keep us working. but that's the problem; i'm the only one trying.
i know that he loves me. and i know i love him. and some would argue that that is enough. but it really isn't.
i go out of my way to see him, even though my schedule is really quite crazy with school and work. he works about 3 shifts a week and hasn't scheduled time with me himself in months. i have to do it if i ever want to see him. even after we argued about it and i told him exactly what i wanted (for him to be the one to ask for hangouts sometimes) he still can't do it. it really makes me feel like i'm cared about.
when we do have plans, it is getting to be unusual for him to actually show up. he double books with friends and picks them first.
he can't make the effort to tell me if he's going to be late.
he only wants me around when there's something in it for him.
he only spends evenings with me when he has to work the next morning. otherwise he's out with friends.
he is completely irresponsible; even though he is me and ali's roomate, we have to do all the work. he can't be trusted to take on any responsibility... he almost forgot to pay our power bill once! he only remembered because we called him to remind him
we fight about this stuff all the time now.  and he cries and promises that he loves me and that he doesn't want to lose me and fuck it all up.
well max, thats lovely of you to say.. too bad you never put it in action (EVER!).

i really don't know what to do.

i have had quite a productive day! i went to the bank to get some forms for killam, went and finalized things for our apartment (we're moving in friday night!!), got my pictures developed and bought headphones (which i really needed), perfume (vera wang's princess, which i really wanted), tanning oil, bobby pins, deodarent and the new coldplay cd.  im all set! i think im going to start packing some clothes away today (aka filling garbage bags with them :P). i really need to do laundry. and have a bath.

robyn is home now. im hopefully going to get to see her tonight, and i couldnt be more excited. plus im having a sleepover with max tonight :) we were going to hang out last night, but i had the worst headache ever! :( so i came home and magic bagged myself and went to bed. i woke up feeling super. 

last night i was sleeping over at max's. and i had the strangest dream:
my dad had bought a new house which was bigger than his old one (not hard to do because his old one's a mini home). and i went to take a look at it, and to visit him. im not really sure why, because i NEVER visit my dad. so when i got there he let me wander around the house to have a look at it. and i found a room that was all set up for me. my bed was all made up with my old quilt and he put pictures up and stuff. he made a room for me even though i havent stayed at his house in like a year. and i probably still wont. but in my dream he was so hopeful that i might that he saved a room for me.
needless to say, i woke up crying.
i really miss my dad.

so prom was pretty fantastic. i'll put some pictures up :)
everyone looked so good! im really glad that i went, even though the funnest part was getting all dressed up. the funniest thing happened: ali picked out max's outfit, and she told him to buy some black pants. he said he already had some, so he would just wear those. the only problem was, he hadnt worn them in a while, and didnt try them on until prom night. so he couldnt button his pants up :P he wore his shirt untucked to hide it, but i thought he was going to lose his pants on the grand march. i thought it was pretty funny, and totally a max thing to do. <3 
today was grad rehearsal, and even with 2 large coffees i still wasnt awake. i am SO exhausted. there are 400 people graduating. the ceremony is going to take FOREVER. i really am not excited about it, even though it will be nice to get my diploma. and then its off to safe grad! woohoo

today we got our marks. i passed everything. yay for me :P
ali and max are also graduating, which is awesome because i didnt think they would. im so happy they are going to graduate with me.
tonight is prom. and then we're going to iwrestledabearonce in our prom dresses. and then doing some drugs and having a good times. im gonna be so tired tomorrow.

 so i havent posted in FOREVER due to the fact that my life is completely hectic right now. we found an apartment :D and if our application gets accepted, we'll be moving out in a couple weeks (!!!!). its insane. the rent is only 550$ a month, split 2 ways. in the fall it will be split 3. thats about 180$ each for rent. im soooo excited :) everything is just falling into place. 
not to mention prom is tomorrow. which i am very excited for. and graduation and safe grad are this week too. and max's show with iwrestledabearonce is on the 20th... CRAZY!! i have so much to do its not even funny. there are so many grad events to go to, people to see and say goodbye too, i dont even know where to start. its so chaotic, but im loving it.

ali's parents moved out of her house and into the cottage. so she's in her vacant house alone for a few weeks until we move out. in her house is: a table and set of chairs in the dining room area, food, a computer and her bed (right in the middle of her living room). so naturally we had a little get together there the first night her parents were gone. there were 5 of us (max, carling, ali, dave and i) and we had 120 jello shooters (a full 40 of vodkas worth of jello shooters.. they were a little strong :P) and we had a quart of vodka, some salvia and dave had a pint. it was insane!! somehow chris smith found his way into ali's house and wouldnt leave. he said he would only leave if ali showed him her tits. somehow he was tricked into leaving (i think ali promised him some beer).

last night i hung out with nick for a little bit, which is always really nice. everytime i hang out with him i get flashbacks to last year. i cant help but think of how much people and times have changed since then. and it's really painful to think about. not that i dont love my life right now, because i do. in a lot of ways my life now is better. but last year was really meaningful to me, mostly because of the people who were in my life. and i miss it a lot sometimes.

after i was done at nicks. i went to maxs. he made me a fancy dinner with candles :) i love my boyfriend so much. all we did all night was fuck and eat and talk. it was really nice. i love just hanging out with him so much. i cant wait until he moves in with us.

so i  dyed my hair. some might say this was a risky move right before prom and graduation. but w/e :P
its a reddish color. j'aime :)

 www.fiql.com 
sweet site for new playlists. im having a grand time with it!!